5:02 PM Marcie Parson 1 Comments

Everyone warned me about pregnancy, labor, and delivery, but no one talks about recovery. It's hushed up like a well-kept secret. But it's hard. Like the hardest thing I've ever done. Much harder than carrying a child and a million times harder than my delivery. I think I had a pretty bad case of the baby blues for the first two weeks. Everyone kept telling me to "soak in those first few days" and "enjoy every minute," but I couldn't. I really did not get the appeal. I had no idea what I was doing, my body felt destroyed, and everything -- I mean everything -- made me cry.

My mom flew in the day after my delivery and stayed for two weeks. In that two weeks I think I had an emotional breakdown every other day. I was certain that despite what everyone said, it was not going to "get better." Thankfully, it did. It took what seemed like an eternity and was painfully slow (emphasis on the painfully), but it got better nonetheless.

It's still a hard adjustment. As the kind of person that needs a solid 8 hours of sleep to function, I feel incapable of adapting to permanent parental exhaustion. Working my schedule around a tiny person whose own schedule is TBD is embarrassingly challenging for my "planner personality." I get anxiety when I have to leave the house because I don't want to be stranded somewhere when he's crying or hungry (definitely haven't mastered nursing in private let alone public). I've always loathed packing, and now that I have to pack 20 times as much, I'm a wreck whenever we stay somewhere for an extended period of time (what if I forget something important like a pacifier? Yes, it's happened already).

I blame my perfectionist personality, because I feel like I'm doing everything all wrong, and I'm paralyzed with fear of embarrassment from messing up! But the truth is, I'm just doing everything for the first time! Of course it's scary and hard; it's completely new. I have so much to learn that it seems overwhelming sometimes, and the biggest lesson of all is to let myself be okay with imperfection. I will forever be bitter towards anyone who says being a mom is easy.

Luckily for Max, he won't remember the days when I clearly had no idea what I was doing and his grandma had to do everything for him. I hope that one day he can appreciate how lucky he is to have my mom as his grandma. She truly is incredible, and I know I could not have done this without her. These past few weeks she has taken care of not only me, but also my Max. And yes, I'm terrified to leave her in a week and a half and try to do it on my own.

Although motherhood hasn't felt exactly natural for me, loving Max has! Sure, I don't know everything, but I do know how to love him. Max is teaching me SO much already. I feel unworthy to be his mother, but boy am I glad I have the blessing of taking care of him. I love this sweet, sweet boy.

Max loves his grandma!